The shackles of my inner demons

"What's the point of trying? You're never going to make it."

murmurs echo in the dark cavern that was my mind.

"Don't even bother trying. There's a reason others are achieving much more than you" the voice grew louder.

"Setting high goals? Pfft, you can barely achieve the small goals! No wonder you're mediocre." every day, the voices would remind me of my inadequacies.

As a result, I did what every young child with no awareness does.

I gave up.

I lived a life of fun and distractions - playing games and lazing around.

I could remember during the holidays, I would stay up until 3 a.m. playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare or World of Warcraft.

It was the only way I could feel like I could achieve something. I wanted to be the best in the game so no one could beat me.

Day after day, I would have empty days in school, and return home immediately after school to indulge in these games.

It was like clockwork.

My grades were flunking.

I had a feeling of emptiness.

On the other hand, my childhood friends I play with almost every day were excelling in their prestigious school; they were playing the same games and spending the same amount of time playing- if not more.

Curiosity then struck me.

'Why are they excelling while I was not?' I stared at the screen while we were chatting on MSN Messenger.

And so I asked.

"Hey, I'm always seeing you play games, and I'm always playing with you all the time, but how are you acing all of your exams?" I typed vigorously on the keyboard and hit enter.

"What? You mean you're having trouble with your studies?" Yus asked nonchalantly.

"Yeah, what trickery is this?" I replied.

"It's simple. Have you been doing ..." he typed out a framework for studying that he would usually do.

I gawked at the screen.

"So you're telling me that all you did differently from me is this? This is all it took to get you the A's while allowing you to play games?" I was bemused, yet amused.

"Yeah. Don't complicate stuff. It's actually that simple. Listen in class..." he replied with a strong sense of certainty.

And so, I gave his ideas a shot.

'If I do these steps, I could essentially play without worrying.'

'I'll see if I could top the charts like how I top the charts of Call of Duty.'

I took a paper down and began writing out my goals for the semester.

I followed the steps laid out by Yus and I began putting in the work.

Worksheet after worksheet, the more I did, the more frustrated I got.

'How do I do this question? Gah! This is difficult.' I thought.

"What's the point of trying? Let's take a break and play some games."

The voice crept in.

I put my pen down and stood up. As I was walking to the computer, I realised that I was about to go back to my old habits.

I stood there with furrowed eyebrows.

I turned around and walked back to my table and continued my work.

It was the first time I was able to overwrite my body and direct it to do something productive.

After I got back my practice test results I did a couple of weeks later, there wasn't much of a change.

My heart sank.

'I told you. Repeat after me: What's the point of trying? I'll never change.'

"So how did your test go? Did you get better results?" Yus asked me as I got online.

"A little better, but it isn't any better. A 'C' grade is ridiculous." I shook my head as I replied.

"It's normal. Don't expect a drastic change when you first started. The little changes are a good sign that you're moving forward. Keep going. You'll see the change soon." as usual Yus replied nonchalantly as if he expected it.

And so I did.

I persisted.

By the end of the semester, it was time to get back my examination paper.

My teacher strolled throughout the class handing out our test papers. Table by table, you'll hear groans of defeat and soft cheers of victory.

When my teacher was about to hand me my paper, she stood beside me with a stern look and glared at me. She shook her head.

'Ha! I knew it, you'll probably fail again.' the thoughts kept echoing in my head.

She placed my paper on my desk face down.

I took a deep breath and turned it over. I was stunned.

"Listen up class. Look at Jason."

my classmates turned to look at me while I remained frozen.

"He failed his test."

After all my hard work... I sighed...

"But he continued with a fighting spirit and never have I been pleased to see him score his first 'A'." my teacher's frown became a bright smile.

My friends cheered and clapped, and for the first time, I felt a sense of achievement.

It all started when I had a strong sense of curiosity and a burning spirit.

I was fortunate to have wonderful friends who were and are still always there for me when I need them.

They had never expected anything from me, and for that, I am eternally grateful to them- friends of 25 years and beyond.

So I am passing it forward like how they did it to me.

My journey of 'Self-discovery' was never alone.

To know thyself, there's only so much you can see alone; there will be blind spots.

It is crucial to learn from others and seek help when you need it.

There will always be someone out there willing to help you out.

In my case, I had a shift in mindset and there begins my pursuit of excellence and knowledge.

The voices were still present, but they began to quieten down.

Here's a self-discovery exercise for you:

• What were your aspirations when you were young?

• How did you deal with problems back then?

You're never alone.

Remember that.

Until the next waypoint, Pathfinder.

Love and Light,

Jason Nile